


my spirit is crying for leaving

by Fantasy_1360



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, College, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared Kleinman Is a Good Friend, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Nonverbal Communication, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash, Roommates, and they were, omg they were roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26446408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fantasy_1360/pseuds/Fantasy_1360
Summary: i’m dying, i’m dying, i’m dyingJust like in the dream.don’t think about it, don’t think ab-Fuck.//or: evan has a nightmare and then he and jared talk about it.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	my spirit is crying for leaving

**Author's Note:**

> //or: this is a vent fic and i'm projecting :)
> 
> tw: canon typical stuff, check the tags and be safe everyone <3  
> some clarifications:  
> >jared never got to read “connor”’s suicide letter when alana posted it, so he has no clue about evan’s suicide thoughts  
> >if you didn't read the tags: this is set post canon (respecting all canon events except evan’s gap year, so now he and jared are sophomores and share an apartment and they are In Love but they are oblivious af), about a few months after Finale.
> 
> the title is from stairway to heaven

Nightmares weren’t a rare occurrence.

Evan’s brain gave him restless dreams with all the possible negative outcomes to stressful future events, or it reminded him of every single time he’d embarrassed himself.

But when he woke up crying that day it wasn’t because he had remembered a particularly shameful dialogue.

(“Nice weather.”

“Thanks.”

Goddammit.)

He had had The Nightmare™.

He sat up on the mattress and clenched his fists around the linen, trying to slow down his breathing.

It had been almost five months since the last time he had relived That Moment with such intensity and detail. It sure was a record. Therapy, college and new friends were helping his mental health, and sometimes he even allowed himself to be proud of where he’d gotten.

He’d never thought he would be able to escape from the black hole that his life had become during the last years of high school but… look at him now! Being able to order a pizza on the phone with only a ten minute rehearsal of the exchange in his head!

He wasn’t magically cured. He probably would never be.

And most of the time he was fine with it.

But not today.

He felt pressure against his chest and he breathed inwards heavily, only succeeding in hyperventilating.

_calm down, calm down, calm down_

He couldn’t calm down.

Everything was _too loud_ even though his room was in silence, and he felt _too warm_ , lowkey aware that he was sweating a lot as his heart rate increased.

_i’m dying, i’m dying, i’m dying_

Just like in the dream.

_don’t think about it, don’t think ab-_

The fresh wind. The tough branches. The sun, shining the brightest he had ever seen.  
The sick feeling on his stomach when he looked down at the ground.

_forty feet should be enough to k-_

NO.  
Please. Don’t.

He grabbed a pillow to muffle his sobs but it was too late. He was full on panicking and he had woken up Jared.

Fuck.

He heard Jared’s steps through the hallway.

_don’t come in, don’t come-_

“Evan, are you ok?” Jared’s voice was a soft whisper hitting Evan’s body.

He’d been holding himself back before, but now he broke down.

_like the messed up piece of shit i am_

He knew in the morning his throat would hurt from whining loudly but every time he remembered his body _falling-_

A wave of vertigo invaded him and he shivered, hiding his head between his knees.

_why can’t i just disappear?_

He felt something laying on his back, hot, oppressive, _trapping_ him, and he violently shook it off.

It was… Jared’s hand. When had Jared sat besides him?

Evan shot him an apologetical glance, afraid that Jared would be mad at him.

“Shit, Evan, I’m sorry, I forgot you hate being touched when you are… like this, sorry, fuck.” His voice, weirdly quiet and full of concern, distracted Evan from his depressing thoughts.

Listening to Jared was something familiar, it felt safe. Jared would never hurt him.

_of course jared would. it wouldn’t be the first time. that poor kid hates you, damned to be by your side since he was born, but he will eventually leave you. another one on the huge list of people who would be better off without you and your annoying-_

“Evan, I don’t know how to help. Do you…? Do you want me to keep talking or do you-?”

Evan nodded very fast, focusing as hard as he could on Jared’s utterance. He wasn’t brave enough to look him in the eye, instead focusing on the pattern of his Pokémon pajamas, but it wasn't a hard job for his ears to just listen and make out understandable words.

“Is it ok if I ramble about random-out-of-context shit or do you want me to try to calm you through games like… how was that one called? The one where you named a number of things your senses perceived?”

‘It’s called ‘54321’,’ Evan wanted to answer. ‘But I rather you talk about random shit. I love your voice,’ Evan wanted to say.

When he opened his mouth, no sounds came off. Talking seemed just _so hard_ , and he _couldn’t_ speak.

He frowned, mad at himself.

_i’m not even able to speak, i’m fucking useless. just_ say _something,_ anything. _why can’t i-?_

“Oh, alright, you are nonverbal. It’s fine, I guess I’ll talk then. Is that ok?”

Evan nodded again so fast that Jared thought he might get whiplash.

“Well, yesterday I downloaded another Mean Girls bootleg and- hey, don’t look at me like that, Ev. You know I’m gonna force you to watch it with me either way.”

Jared would swear he saw Evan almost smile at that.

“We can make popcorn and drink juice like the bad big boys we are. And maybe later we could buy a new weird plant and name it something powerful and exotic such as… Rupert.”

Evan legitimately snorted at that last joke and it made Jared’s heart do a flip.

“Shut up, Rupert is a great name for a cactus.”

And just like that, Evan’s thoughts changed radically to plants and fled the Bad Thoughts and The Nightmare. Right there, watching Jared give him reasons why Cleopatra (their aloe vera) needed new plant friends, he felt peaceful and almost happy. It was fine.

Jared carefully avoided topics that would increase Evan’s stress, such as exams or projects. He started explaining animatedly something about coding that Evan didn’t understand, and kept going cracking some bad jokes. By the time he complained about the last shameful Mr.Kleinman’s Facebook post involving cats, Evan had stopped hiccuping.

It was three in the morning and after panicking he was always exhausted, so he couldn’t hold back a loud yawn.

“God, Evan, I know my ASL classes aren’t the most interesting topic, but there’s no need to be rude.” Jared exclaimed in faux offense.

Evan smiled slightly. He wanted to slip back into sleep but he was far too afraid of what he might dream and he wasn’t ready to let Jared go.

Jared seemed to notice something sas off because he asked, “is there anything else I can do to help you?”

‘I need you. Stay, please,’ Evan didn’t say.

Instead, he held out his hand, unsure what to do.

“A hug? Can I hug you?” Jared asked, his voice a little strained.

Jared’s arms were around Evan as soon as he hesitantly nodded. It felt comfortable, safe, calm, _right_.

They laid back to rest their heads on the pillows and they shifted under the sheets until they found the optimum position. Evan hid his face on the crook of Jared’s neck, holding tightly to his middle.

He knew it was going to be a very long night. Buy maybe, when the sun rose up and the new day started, he would finally be ready to talk about one more painful truth.

* * *

Jared wasn’t used to waking up on strangers’ beds. He inspected suspiciously his surroundings: light blue clothes orderly folded on a chair, at least five different types of plants in the window’s frame, marvel comics filling the shelves. Why the fuck was he on Evan’s be- oh shit.

Late-night memories came back as he stretched and rolled out of bed. He wasn’t a morning person, but he immediately cheered up when he smelled freshly made pancakes.

He found Evan on the kitchen with his back turned and his phone on one hand while he poured syrup with the other.

“... fine, Mom, I swear. No, I don’t-” He was cut by Heidi’s voice coming muffled through the speakers. Jared couldn’t make out any words but Evan looked stressed. “Yes. He heard me and he helped but… No, he doesn’t. I mean, he’s going to ask sooner or later but…” Evan trailed off.

He sighed and scratched uncomfortably the back of his neck. Jared knew Evan was tired because he’d memorized all his tics by now (not that he was, like, a stalker, no, it’s just because they’d been friends all their lives, yeah), and probably holding a conversation with his mom on the phone was not a brilliant idea.

“I know. I love you. Bye.” Evan hung up quickly and leaned onto the counter, massaging his temples.

Jared entered the kitchen as if he hadn’t been spying on him.

“Morning, sunshine,” he said, crumbling in the nearest chair.

“Hi,” Evan greeted as he served breakfast on the table. “I felt bad for waking you up in the middle of the night so I made pancakes.” He smiled sheepishly and it was too cute and too early in the morning for Jared’s poor heart.

“You’re adorable,” he mumbled.

He started eating his food before Evan could notice he was flushed.

A comfortable silence set down as they finished and got ready. Once both of them were clean and dressed, they considered their plans for the rest of the day.

They got home an hour later with snacks and a cactus. It’s name wasn’t Rupert.

(“That sounds like a British old man name, Jared.”)

They called it Janus because Evan was a sucker for astronomy and Jared thought it was a Sander’s Sides reference.

Mean Girls made Jared tear up.

(“I swear it’s just something in my eye.”

“Suuure, so it has nothing to do with the fact that you always cry during musicals, no matter what?”

“... Shut up.”)

It was nice, spending time together and enjoying each other’s company. But there was a light strain between them. The whole time Jared tried his best not to bring up that night’s events, hoping Evan would eventually talk about it, but the blond boy didn’t explain anything and Jared’s worry was only growing.

“So,” he started, setting down his Uno cards.

Their ‘calm the fuck down’ playlist played softly in the background while they played in the living room.

“So,” Evan mimicked. “Are you ok?”

Well, that was not a question he expected, but most things Evan did were kinda unpredictable.

“Yes? Sure, I’m fine. Why d’you ask?” he redirected the conversation, trying to get Evan to talk.

“It’s just… Well, I appreciate it and, really, it’s a relief that you didn’t mention, y’know, you didn’t pressure me and it’s great! But we, um, I need to… We need to talk. I mean, I have something to tell you and it’s gonna be hard and-”

“Ev, relax,” Jared cut him off, fearing his friend would choke speaking so fast. “You are in a safe space here. You can talk only if you feel ready, I’m not going to push you and you don’t owe me an explanation.” He stroked Evan’s hair gently, and fought against the impulse of screaming ‘just spit it out, dude!’.

Evan nodded absent-mindedly, brows furrowed and averted eyes. He took a rather long, deep breath, as if preparing for something painful. Jared was dying in anticipation.

“It’s been two years since it happened,” Evan started, his voice trembling slightly, “but I guess it still haunts me in my dreams.” He let out a humorless chuckle.

Two years ago? And he had nightmares about it? Was he talking about…?

“Is this about The Connor Project?” Jared asked, bitterness seeping in his tone.

They never talked about it. It was one of the many unspoken understandings between them. Sometimes avoidance was necessary to keep their friendship afloat.

“What? No. Well, maybe?” Evan shifted uncomfortably and Jared shot him an unimpressed glare. “It had nothing to do with Connor but then I… It’s just complicated, can we not- Can we not talk about The Connor Project right now?” He sounded very distressed, and Jared had no problem shutting up. A conversation about politics with his Trump-supporter grandparents sounded better than approaching all that happened at the beginning of senior year with Ev. That talk would end up reopening old wounds long ago cured.

He had to focus on the present. On Evan at his side on the couch, looking helpless but decided, about to confess whatever the hell kept him awake on Sunday 3am.

“I…” Evan fidgeted with a loose end on the cuff of his khakis, sight fixated on a random spot on the floor. “Do you remember when I had a cast senior year?”

The question seemed out of nowhere. Yeah, Jared remembered seeing Evan everyday for two months with big black letters reading ‘CONNOR’ written all across that damn cast. Hadn’t Evan just said this didn’t revolve around TCP?

“That time you fell out of a tree?” he asked. Evan visibly flinched. “Because you worked at Ellison State Park, right? And you decided to climb a big ass oak because you are a ‘tree expert’. Yeah, I remember.”

Evan was caught off-guard.

“Were you…? Were you actually listening? I never knew you-”

“No need to act so surprised, Hansen. I thought we’d already established that yes, I cared about you in high school and yes, I was too much of a coward to show it.”

The words felt weird in his mouth, even though it wasn’t the first time admitting his insecurities. It was hard being vulnerable, and it was harder knowing that deep inside he was still the same afraid asshole.

Evan flustered a bit, but it could’ve been just an effect of the dim twilight lighting coming in through the windows.

“Anyway, going straight to the point-”

“Evan, you’re pan.”

“Not the moment.”

Evan glared at Jared, who didn’t have the decency to look embarrassed in the least.

“Well, about how I broke my arm…” he paused, his expression unreadable.

Any other time, Jared would’ve gone batshit crazy telling him to speed up because ‘we don’t have all day, bro’. But the atmosphere was heavy and he could sense a storm was coming, if Evan’s scared eyes were something to go in with.

Jared tentatively reached out and grabbed Evan’s shaky hands, intertwining their fingers.

“Hey, Ev.” His voice was soft and sweet again. Evan firmly believed he was the only person who ever got to hear Jared speaking that way. “I’m here. I won’t leave. I won’t judge you. Nothing you could possibly say about a broken arm is going to change that I love you.”

“That’s not true!” Evan shouted. His face was mostly hidden, but Jared could tell he was crying now. “You’ll think I’m a freak, ‘cause I really am, and-”

“You are breaking rule number two, Evan,” Jared warned. He used his free hand to catch a tear rolling down his friend’s cheek.

“Wh-What was rule number two?”

“‘It’s strictly prohibited for Evan to talk shit about himself’,” Jared sighed as if it was obvious.

He claimed that he’d written all their apartment rules on a formal document, but Evan was positive he just made them up when it was convenient.

Evan opened his mouth to protest but Jared pressed his fingers against his lips.

“Do not even try to deny it and do not lick my hand- oh my god, Evan! I just told you not to do it, dumbass!”

He frantically rubbed his palm against his unbuttoned button-up shirt as Evan fucking _snickered_.

“That was gross.”

“I’m not sorry.”

“Asshole.”

“Dick.”

“Sorry, is that an insult or your wishlist?”

“I- Jared!”

They calmed down, Evan making direct eye contact for the first time. They could easily keep goofing around and ignore they were supposed to confront more important matters. But both of them were tired of being cowards, and they knew they couldn’t let this opportunity slip by.

“Do you still want to talk about it?” Jared asked cautiously.

“Yes,” Evan answered. “Just… please, don’t hate me because I don’t think I could keep going if I lose you a second time and-”

“I’ll never hate you. I promise,” Jared reassured.

He gave Evan a light squeeze, and the blond boy immediately began speaking.

“I lied. It wasn’t just- I’m not talking about The Connor Project. I actually lied to myself? I pretended everything was fine and normal but I knew…” He stopped briefly to search for the right words. “Junior year was probably the worst time in my life in regardings of my mental health. I didn’t have friends, every night I was home alone while the rest of people my age were having fun and socializing or whatever. I was just unable to even talk to people, let alone making them like me because who would like me? I definitely didn’t like me. And I felt like a burden. My mom was the only person present in my life and she would’ve been so much better off if I… If she didn’t have to look out for me, and my therapy, and my meds, and the mess that I am. I knew it, I knew life wasn’t made for people like me, and I was convinced it would never get better. So I… I didn’t exactly have a plan, you know? It just happened. My mind ran in circles always contemplating how nice it’d be _not existing_ and I guess…”

Jared didn’t want to hear it. He knew where this was leading. The only coherent thought on his brain was “please no, please no, please no”. He wanted to be dreaming, he _needed_ to be dreaming. He held back the tears because he had to stay strong for Evan.

“I was at work and I approached this ‘big ass’ oak tree, at least fifty foot tall. I climbed and I kept going, not even thinking what I was doing ‘cause I knew it didn’t make sense but… It was so beautiful, Jared. If you’d only seen how the world looked from up so high. I felt… in peace? Not really, but it was quiet. So quiet. I wanted to stay there, and never be Evan Hansen again. Never wake up again. And…”

Please no.

“I let go.”

Jared promptly broke down. He hugged Evan as tight as he could because ‘he’s here, with me, alive, he’s alive but he could’ve _died_ , and I can’t let him die, I can’t-’. He heard Evan’s heartbeat and it was probably the best sound in the fucking universe. He cried for every single time he’d been a jerk, he cried because he knew it was his fault. He cried because _Evan was crying_ and ‘oh, no, we’re such a mess’.

“I am- I’m s-so- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“... What? Jare, you- You didn’t do anything-”

“Exactly! Fuck, I- I need a tissue.”

He had to get up to grab the box from the table and clean off the snot on his face, but he quickly returned to Evan’s warm embrace.

“What I’m trying to say is… Evan, I should’ve been there for you. I am so stupid, I treated you like human garbage and you never did a single thing wrong. And you were hurting and I didn’t even suspect it and-”

“Hey, it’s fine. There were too many problems sinking me into hopelessness, you can’t blame yourself for not fixing them all. Plus, you already apologized at length for how you treated me when it should have been me. I knew you were alone too and I straight up ignored you, I’m really sorry-”

“Evan! You can’t just guilt trip yourself when you are the victim in this situation! You could’ve used a friend, I was just there. I’m such an ass.”

Evan frowned. “How is that there’s a rule that forbids me to think low of myself but you are always saying bad and inaccurate things about you?”

Jared shrugged it off. “Because you are a literal sunshine while I’m not?”

“See? You’re doing it again.”

“Oh, c’mon-”

“No. Jare, look at me,” Evan pleaded and Jared complied. “New rule: we do not support self-hate in this household.”

Jared snorted but nodded in agreement.

“We’ve both made mistakes and we’re both sorry. Can we please let it go?”

“Of course, Ev.”

They didn’t break the hug, staying in a comfortable silence. They felt very tired and their heads hurt from weeping, but they had each other and that was all they’d ever longed for.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

Evan moved his head to be able to appreciate Jared’s facial expression. “Yeah, sure.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“I…” Did he?

Evan thought about his current life: he was majoring in something he was passionate about, he no longer had to deal with his first name being the same as his father’s, he was living with his best friend, and there were at least ten contacts on his phone that often chatted with him. He was happy. Everyday he woke up he was thankful for the little details that made life wonderful, like his mom inviting him over and actually serving _homemade food_ , or Zoe forgiving him and meeting up with him sometimes just to talk in some crummy cafe. Or like Jared saying he loves him at unexpected moments: when they went on walks, or that time they tried skating, or when they did their monthly Shrek marathon. And every single time Evan was sure he was the luckiest man alive.

If he tried really hard to think of the last time he’d seriously contemplated suicide, the days after telling the Murphy’s the truth were what came to his head. He’d just _known_ that if his life had been awful before, now it would be a living hell. And he’d been too close to ingest a bunch of pills and run away to die MIA, Connor style. But Jared didn’t have to know that.

“No, not anymore. I have everything I could ever wish for right here,” he confessed.

Jared smiled widely, praying for his blush to be subtle.

“I’m proud of you, Hansen.”

Evan pretended this sentence alone didn’t almost make him cry again.

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re such a dork.”

“Nerd.”

“Tree fucker.”

Evan gasped audibly. “Take that back!”

The dumb fight evolved into tickling one another, and that into falling asleep against each other on the couch. And maybe the nightmares would still be present all through Evan’s life, and maybe not, who knows. But he wasn’t alone.

And that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> >i know everyone reacts differently during attacks, i was just projecting into evan so,,  
> >i imagine jared’s voice while evan panics being super soft, like will roland’s in [the acoustic version of lgw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9jtEWKibr8) or in [this whole interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF0BS7QOXKk) (i love him so much hhh)  
> >last week i named my ficus rupert so i was being serious about that  
> >pls dont kill me for going against the widely accepted fanon headcanon that evan is bisexual. i love pan evan.  
> >btw when i mentioned they told each other ‘i love you’ it was in a platonic way even though they’re both pining hlskdgn  
> >but ce, if you are gonna write them all cute and fluffy, why don’t you make this an Established Relationship instead of Mutual Pining? cause i'm a coward that's why
> 
> tysm for reading <3


End file.
